The beginning of it all

I`ve began my journey as a full time carer for my partner in April 2017, just as we
discovered he might well be suffering from Vascular Dementia at the age of 55.
Tell tale signs of the disease started to emerge around 5-6 month prior to April, but
I had put those down to the fact that he had been made redundant 6 years earlier,
then had suffered several health problems including COPD, sleep apnoea and now
also diabetes that make him virtually house bound and slightly depressed. I was then
still in employment and often didn`t have the insight or understanding of what was
happening to him. I just put it down to normal aging process and wasn`t alarmed
until his youngest daughter who works as an employed carer, had taken him to the
GP one day when I could not get time of work to accompany him there myself.
She, then had to explain to me afterwards what was actually happening to my
previously loving and placid partner.
He was making himself cups of tea during days I was working and had experienced
some loss of muscle control in his hands, therefore dropping the hot cup of tea as
soon as he had picked it up, and his increasing slurred speech was now explainable.
I had put that down to his facial palsy he had suffered a few years prior, but it can now
be blamed on the onset of the dementia.
There had also been occasional lapses in memory, repeated questioning the time of day,
several times in one day. Then, the mood swings also started, and his already mild OCD
behaviour became far more apparent and intense. There now are verbally aggressive
bouts that become more frequent whenever he has to confront something that does not
comply with his OCD requirements. These outbursts are directed at me and will happen
at least once a day. He will engage me in arguments that he can not walk away from.
He winds himself up to the extend that he ends up shouting and blaming me for having
caused conflict; name calling is then used as aggression against me; his flair-ups then
also causing unnecessary stress for himself as well as me.
You could call it un-reasonable behaviour in normal circumstances. But, I know now
that I am no longer dealing with normal behaviour or even normal circumstances.
Having been made aware of how Vascular Dementia will show its ugly face at least
made me a little more prepared for it. It doesn`t mean it did not upset or stress me out.
No matter how prepared you might think you are, there are going to be moments where
your sensitive nature takes over and you do find yourself fuming on the inside at the
unreasonable behaviour of the person with onset of dementia. Trying to explain to him
that he had actually started the arguments was totally fruitless. Reasoning with him just
doesn`t work at all. So, I now just agree with his accusations, then try to divert his
attention from the subject of the matter. It works sometimes, but not all of the time.
When engaged in these arguments he will actually repeat himself over and over to
keep the momentum of the flair-up going; another symptom of this horrible disease, as
I found out by now through joining an advice group of Dementia and Altzheimer carers
on facebook.
More appointments to the GP will be necessary to deal with his behaviour. We`ve been
to see a neurologist at the hospital who is convinced that he needs something to treat his
depression, and has also suggested he should have a brain scan. The appointment for it
should be in the post within the next month.
He had been diagnosed with diabetes type 2 last year and is on mild medication for that.
What I wasn`t aware of is the connection between diabetes and the onset of dementia.
Several carers on the facebook advice group have now pointed this out to me, so I will
raise the subject with the GP at our next appointment, hoping that we can get some
medication that can slow the progress of the disease. In the meantime I try to keep it
together at home, look after him as best I can and hope to find some type of activities
that might occupy his brain in positive ways. Listening to his favourite music from the
60s and 70s seems to calm his mind and diverts his attention with help of the computer.
Music is therapy for dementia sufferers; at least that is some comfort for us carers, too.